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5 Reasons We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve

Johnny Adams
January 2, 2024

Life’s actually pretty simple, but we’ve got this knack for making things way more complicated, especially with our poor love choices. We let our miserable past shape our future. Our subconscious mind takes the wheel, and we end up accepting the love we don’t deserve.

Most people in the real world can resonate with these lines from Stephen Chbosky's novel The Perks of Being a Wallflower:

WE ACCEPT THE LOVE WE DESERVE

This is truly an eye-opening quote that goes deep into the human psyche. The way you permit your partners to treat you mirrors your perception of the treatment you believe you deserve.

You do it because it’s like sticking to a routine or going after what feels familiar. If negativity was a big part of your past, you might find yourself attracted to similar vibes. But remember, you can change the script and go for something better.

If someone treats you badly--It's not right to assume that this is what you deserve, or it's okay to be treated this way just because you are used to it or afraid that you'll end up with another broken relationship. 

People who don't understand what true love is might never find one because they would never know what a healthy relationship feels like. 

Upon recognizing your self-worth and understanding the origins of certain behaviors, your life undergoes a complete transformation. You cease pursuing things you once thought were your only worth and begin seeking what you genuinely deserve.

1. Not Recognizing Self-Worth

Ever wondered why you end up with people who treat you like crap?

People who believe that they got what they deserve are mostly victims of low self-esteem. This stems from a lack of self-trust, heavy reliance on others, and an underestimation of their own capabilities. Such individuals struggle to recognize and appreciate their own values.

The lack of motivation keeps you from going after things you're most passionate about, and you might hesitate to seek support from others.

This feeling of being "worthless" opens the door for these lowlifes who take advantage of your vulnerability and treat you like garbage.

Remember, it is your own understanding of love that you say YES to someone who doesn't even deserve or care about you.

2. Past Experiences

Your current behavior is a reflection of your past experiences, in particular your childhood. How you were raised, the love and support you got from your family, and the nature of your initial relationships all play a crucial role in shaping how you view your present relationship.

If you got cheated on in your very first relationship, or you received abusive treatment from your partner, then you immediately adopt the beliefs that all men are insensitive jerks or all women are after your money or worse, you are not good enough, and anyone can replace you.

When you enter into a new relationship again (with a lower self-esteem), you expect to be treated the same way because now that’s your idea of a relationship.

3. Chasing Similar Patterns

Why do you keep going for people who don’t see your worth?

It’s a common phenomenon for individuals with toxic traits to be drawn to others exhibiting similar behaviors. This tendency aligns with human psychology, where people often find comfort in what feels familiar. 

Consider a child who grew up without receiving any attention, care, or love they genuinely deserve. Such an individual may, in adulthood, find themselves gravitating towards toxic relationships. 

Despite being mistreated by their partner, the familiarity of the toxicity may create a sense of comfort, as it echoes the environment they grew up in.

Basically, you might be into the wrong people because, deep down, you are secretly trying to fix things that bugs you. It’s like wanting to patch up those kinds of relationships, but you always end up reenacting similar relationships that always hurt you, which leads to codependency.

4. CoDependency

Codependency is like being super-dependent on someone else for your emotional support and identity. It’s more like a one-sided relationship, where only one partner shows care and love while the other enjoys being cared for. No matter how miserable you feel, you still rely on your partner to at least make you feel complete. It’s like a cycle where you need your partner, and they need you.

It’s when you care way too much about what others think, have a hard time saying “no,” and often forget about your own needs because you’re so focused on theirs. 

You know deep down that this is not the life you imagined, but still, you don’t raise any argument against inappropriate behaviors and provide emotional and mental support to your partner. Talk about trashing your own ego.

5. Fear of Rejection

Another prominent reason you accept the love you think you deserve is the fear of losing your not-so-loved one. This is where codependency kicks in when you feel like you can’t survive without your partner. 

The fear of rejection can mess with your head and affect how you act in relationships. It’s that worry most of us have felt at some point – the fear that the person you're into might not feel the same and end things, breaking your heart.

Some folks willingly choose to keep their friends and family at arm's length because they think that if they don't enter into a relationship, they won’t get hurt. In other cases, you never speak your heart out to the person you genuinely love because you fear that they might reject you. 

In the end, you miss out on the genuine joy and happiness you could have had if you had dared to confess your true feelings.

5 Ways To Cope With It

Relationships can be confusing and demanding. Start by owning up to the fact you have this issue, kick those fears to the curb, and steer clear of anyone who’s not treating you right. Check out a few steps you can take to build and manage a healthy relationship that you deserve.

1. Take Time To Understand Your Relationships

Let go of the past. Take all the time you need to heal yourself from previous wounds. Don’t let previous experiences overshadow your future. Stop being judgemental and try to understand who’s good for you and who’s just exploiting you.

2. Self-Awareness

This is the most important step that you must take to enjoy a good life. Once you realize that you’re not worthless and there are people in the world just like you, you begin to gain self-confidence. Search for that one person who truly values you the way you are, and never think too highly or too low of yourself. Identify areas for personal growth.

3. Self-Care

Learn to love and praise yourself. It doesn't matter if you’re extra chubby or thin as a skeleton; if you love yourself and have confidence in your capabilities, no one can take you down. Strive towards living a happier and healthier lifestyle.

4. Communicate With Your Partner

Don’t let fear of a break-up hold you back. Talk to your partner about troubles you're having in your relationship and establish clear communication between the two of you. If the person understands you, they genuinely love you, and if they don't, they are never worthy of your time and love.

5. Give room for Personal Growth

Take advice from people who truly care about you. Consider reading books, attending workshops or seeking support from professionals to enhance your relationship skills.

Conclusion

Understanding the reasons behind accepting the love we think we deserve is the first step towards breaking harmful patterns. Life’s simplicity often gets overshadowed by our complex emotions, especially in matters of the heart.

Breaking free from the shackles of low self-esteem and fear is empowering. It involves a conscious effort to seek healthier relationships, value personal growth, and prioritize self-care.

Hope this post turns out to be an eye-opener for you. It is high time you demand the respect and care you deserve. Remember, Life's too short to settle for anything less than what brings happiness and fulfillment.

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Johnny Adams

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