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6 Reasons Why You Can’t Love and 6 Steps To Start Loving

Sophie Simons
January 22, 2024

The first person to walk the earth knew love. God has made love an innate feeling for humans. It is an epiphenomenal entity, meaning it is spawned in humans’ hearts and is not understood by reason. Love has been researched for centuries, but its mysterious conjuring and collaborative cause-and-effect remains a conundrum.

Philosophy and mysticism delve deeper into this abstract noun due to its humungous effects and incorporeal existence. How can something that cannot be seen have the power to change the course of nature and immutably affect even the most guarded hearts?

But why must we get entangled in the web of hows and whys? Humans have always been ungrateful for the blessings they are bestowed with. 

Is Love Learned?

The question is relevant. We might have found ourselves wondering at some point in life if we can love or be loved. This common question depends on the predicaments and situations we go through. Unrequited love, break-ups, callous treatment, and inability to love back a certain person could make us question if true love exists or could be learned. 

While some people might have never loved in their life at all, this should come as an alarming notion to most people. The first language that is learned in a happy household is that of love.

Love is indubitably inherent, but it is a feeling that has to be nurtured and looked after to attain its blossoming pinnacle. Love carries a balance between spontaneity and learning. For love to truly conquer hearts, it should be taught and learned concurrently.

Why Can’t I love?

Some hearts are oblivious to love because they were never taught to love, or their learning of love was either impeded or contaminated. If you feel like you are incapable of loving, you need to self-reflect. We are jotting down some of the reasons that could make you question your ability to love.

1. Traumatic childhood

Childhood is the deepest and longest phase of learning love. If you have faced emotional or even physical abuse during your childhood, that could act as a hurdle in your ability to love in the long run. Childhood traumas, if not resolved, continue to latch onto us like a pest and negatively influence our personalities into adulthood. 

2. Inferiority Complex

Self-esteem is a major determinant of self-love. If we find ourselves unattractive, unloveable, ignored, or even taken for granted, the roots of our self-esteem start to decay.

When you are unable to love yourself and negate your worth, love gets shackled inside your heart, and you are unable to break free from the reins. 

3. Harrowing Past Relationships

Relationships mold our perception and projection of love. Unhealthy or loveless relationships cynically affect your ability to love. Loving a person who is hostile or selfish is like walking on burning coal.

Manipulators play mind games with victims and end up making them feel like the culprit. When you reach your endurance, the defense mechanism kicks in, and you bolt the doors of your heart on everyone. 

4. Aromanticism

Aromanticism is a spectral condition in which individuals feel little to almost no romantic inclination toward others. Such people avoid getting romantically involved with others and restrict themselves to sexual pleasures.

5. Narcissism

Narcissism is a psychological condition in which a narcissistic individual has a delusion of grandiosity, self-importance, lack of empathy, and compassion. Narcissistic individuals have a twisted awareness of love. They either do not love at all or love differently than norms.

Their unconventional love springs from their inability to be empathetic and understanding. They can appear charming and charismatic when they want a certain thing. 

6. Trust Issues

Trust is the first step in the ladder of love. People who have trust issues struggle to love. Once you get your trust broken, it is arduous to trust again. Your mind and heart repel the idea of a trusting relationship, in a way compromising your capability to love. 

Learning How to Love: 6 Steps to Take

No one is incapable of loving. To hone the love that is already perched on the windowsills of the heart, actions and considerations are needed. If you are wondering and questioning your ability to love, you are self-aware.

You are already going in the right direction, and all you need is motivation and a push. To implore personality, figure out its flaws and problems, and then have the heart to set them right is probably one of the hardest and rarest traits in humans. It is always easy to point fingers at others than searching for your flaws. 

1. Let go of past traumas

Letting go is more liberating than holding on. Holding on is shackling and interferes with our capabilities and vigor to love. If you work on letting go of your past traumas, the corridors to love will gradually light up. Look for ways to heal your traumas and then bury them like a warrior. 

2. Love yourself

Loving yourself comes before loving someone else or being loved. Know your self-worth and make yourself believe that you deserve all the happiness and love in the world.

3. Trust the person

If you were ever betrayed in the past or had your trust brutally severed by someone close, stop residing in the past. Know that all humans are not the same; a previous bad outcome does not guarantee a bad outcome in the future. Learn to trust again.

Consider your soft-heartedness and ability to give your all to someone as a strength rather than your weakness. 

4. Be open and vulnerable

A latched heart is unable to love. To love wholeheartedly, you need to open the shackles of your heart and let your feelings flow out. Manifest your subtle and exquisite nature, and do not cocoon yourself inside unbreakable walls. Let in the people who deserve your love.

5. Communicate your insecurities and issues

Communication is the key to every relationship, regardless of its nature. Lacking communication messes up bonds and gives emotional papercuts over time. Love finds a strong foothold when all the insecurities and issues are communicated and then resolved. 

6. Reciprocate Love

Reciprocation is essential as love is a two-way lane. Do not run away if someone comes knocking at the passageways of your heart. If they truly love you and you feel their surging love, let your heart soar high, too.

Do not force yourself to love them, but if you feel ripples inside yourself, let your heart decide rather than letting your mind take the driving seat.


Loving makes life more enchanting and pleasurable. The world is already teeming with discord and ugliness; what we can do is love a little more and a little harder every day.

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Sophie Simons

Sophie Simons

Sophie Simons is a leading psychologist with a passion for enriching relationships. Through empathetic counseling and insightful guidance, she empowers couples and individuals to foster deeper connections, resolve conflicts, and create lasting harmony. Sophie's expertise in relationship advice has touched countless lives, making her a trusted source for building fulfilling partnerships.

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